A Confession at 14:19

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I have been extremely girly this week. In fact I’ve been rather ‘anti-feminist’ for the past year… why? How? You ask? Well since I am in Devon, where not much really happens because I am severely lacking in friends and have been working part-time for a company that needs not my intellect, I have found time to dwell on frivolous thoughts. Spanning from the outrageously neurotic, where I truly believe my friends hate me, to the profound, sensible thoughts about the future and of…

MY wedding.

Yes, that’s right I think about MY wedding…

Because it’s going to be AWESOME!!!! And my Bandicoot has no idea what I have been cooking up for us… I have thought of all the things we like and have thrown them together in a cauldron of confetti and champagne. Imagine Pokemon, Cream Teas, Cougar Town, Thomas the Tank Engine, Life of Pi, 12 Angry men and John Wayne all meshed together at a National Trust property… ahhh what an idea… haha don’t worry it’s not really that crazy… or is it?

So you guys are engaged?

WHY GOOD HEAVENS… NO! Silly, I’m just a day dreamer. I sometimes imagine I am actually marrying Hugh Jackman… Captain America or the cookie monster… ahum… because well, I don’t really have the money to pay for this wedding, yet, and we’ve agreed to not get engaged until we can. That way I won’t have to be a fiancé for decades… I want to be a fiancé for as little time as possible… just seems like purgatory otherwise.

So yes that’s my dreadful little secret… I’ve even made a scrap book of all my ideas… from stationary, dresses and table decorations… but not the cake. THAT IS ALREADY SORTED!

I’d share some of my ideas with you but I have this fear that whatever I plan will be copied by my cousin. A girl who, for some reason, seems to know all the things I want and copies them without even realising… its infuriating. It’s like we have a mental connection; whatever I ooh and ahh at she will inevitably have, even if we are in different counties and I have her in my restricted section on Facebook… If she has anything the same as me I go berserk and if I find that she has copied any of my wedding ideas I will die.

I will rip her cake apart. I will claw at her dress. I will go all primeval on her guests and then I will look at my scrap book with hopeless longing.

That’s not petty is it?  

Or perhaps if I state my ideas now it’ll be proof that I thought of them first…

No that won’t matter to her… she’s not compassionate enough to understand…

OK it is super petty… but living with this mimic has led me to this irrational need to be different from her. I have done so much to escape this clone. My hair has suffered from all the times I have had to dye it a different colour when I’ve noticed she’s had the same hair cut as me. It’s like trying to run away from your own shadow, your own mirror image; its hard work. Trying to be different is hard work and at times I have never felt myself or natural all because she can’t get her own image.

To me my wedding is a sacred concern, a precious delusion that I will protect with the maternal instinct of a lioness; defending her cub.

If she gets a cake made by Choccywoccydoodah I will kill her.

Character Profile 3

Ash Bandicoot/ Ash Ketchum/ Aladdin

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Bandicoots are quirky creatures. Look them up on Google and I doubt you’ll disagree. They are small, have goofy ears and don’t look anything like that PlayStation character Crash Bandicoot fox thing. I mean they are kinda cute, they may have a pitiful smudge of stripes on their back and a tail that looks like a… a… a penis, BUT, they have this little snout that wiggles. Wiggles!

It is a modest and unassuming creature, which often goes unnoticed when stood against the might of attention thrown at the larger and more appealing animals of this varied planet.

But one such bandicoot managed to catch my attention. Not in the conventional sense of how a girl usually meets a boy for it was more of an accidental deviation.

I was actually in pursuit of a lanky lobster boy named Lauro one drunken evening when our tryst first began. That particular night had gone well up until… I lost him. Yes bloomin’ well lost him.

I stupidly made the mistake of going to the bar alone and when I came back he was gone. Great. Just perfect I thought. I marched through crowds of drunken students hoping he wouldn’t be too hard to find, he was really tall, but to no avail. That is until I rejoined his friendship group and was greeted with a devastating sight. Whether it was fate that intervened that evening or whether I went temporarily blind I’ll never know…. but I saw ‘him’ pressed up against the wall sucking face with a girl who had much bigger bosoms than me. Well, at least, that’s what I thought. Anyway like I said I was devastated, I looked at his friends like a wounded puppy… which looking back must’ve confused them a lot because Lauro was in fact stuck upstairs conversing with some bouncers while all this was happening… opps. So there I was confused and hurt when suddenly this smile appeared.

Ash Bandicoot was one of his friends and I had met him a few times before. He had noticed I was upset and decided it was his duty to cheer me up. What can I say? Rejection is a hard and massive pill to swallow, so having this cutie take my hands and dance with me like an idiot was extremely flattering and it wasn’t long before I was sucking face with him instead.

Yay me. Well yay me until the real Lauro finally found me… on Ash’s lap… think I may have run up to him and kissed him as well which must’ve confused them both… uggg I was a lip whore… no other way to put it, I was greedy and took advantage of both of them, such yummy morsels…

So… YEAH, it’s not the most romantic of beginnings, but it sure beats all the soppy stories most couples come out with and I’m glad I mistook that rampant face sucking Lauro-look-a-like for him. Four years on and I still see the goof-ball who was swinging my arms around like a crazy person, encouraging me to laugh. You know that scene in Harry Potter when he dances with Hermione in that tent? Well BINGO that’s him in a nutshell.

Ash, is MY bandicoot, a creature who doesn’t mind being overshadowed by his taller and more laddish friends. He’s a beast that doesn’t need to put on a macho bravado to compete with the other boys; he is at ease with himself. This is why he doesn’t get embarrassed or hurt when they tease him for being soppy with me; for buying me presents, thinking about our future together or giving in to our arguments – because he knows what rewards he will reap. Pretending to be one of them certainly won’t get me into bed, no sir, even if it does boost his precious man points.

He is a geek end of. A geek who still loves Pokemon as much as I do (hence the nickname; Ash Ketchum, just fits so perfectly) and still enjoys watching Thunderbirds and Thomas the Tank Engine in the same way as I still watch Sailor Moon and My Little Pony (80’s style). He buys jumpers and tops with cartoon characters on them and has only recently developed a sense of fashion that I actually approve of. He is obsessed with Nando’s, Tennis, Golf, Football… (I’ll just say Sports), writing lists, cream teas (yay… like I hadn’t made that clear already), BBC’s Merlin, his Mac and IPhone, Geography and David Attenborough… well who isn’t? Such a sexy man.

However, he does have one massive flaw; his downfall being that he has a tendency to force this obsessive trait upon others. No I do not want to play that game for the hundredth time. No I do not want to watch that show anymore. We always go to Nando’s can’t we go somewhere else?! I am fed up of cooking that. No shoo! Stop following me everywhere and writing ballads about me all the time… its creepy. Luckily, these are just phases and he does eventually lose interest, it’s just pretty intense when he’s in the thick of this enthralled period 24/7 for however long it lasts. AND as his girlfriend I MUST be supportive 24/7 for however long it lasts… uggg… so tiring I tell you.

BUT!

Imagine, if you will, this sundry animal wearing an Aladdin outfit. Complete with the little hat, silk waistcoat and loose white harem pants and you might understand why I like him so much. He has a cupid bow mouth sandwiched between two dimples, eyes as dark as his fur and has one of those manly cleft chins I can’t seem to get enough of, Man I love prodding that cleft… and trying to shave the little hairs that grow out of it… weird I know, but I bet you’d do it to if you had one for your own! I could go on and on about this being, about his comical ears, his peculiar way of saying the words Museum, Music and Railway and of his annoyingly short attention span, but I won’t, because I’ve probably embarrassed him enough already.

I love him and that’s all that matters.