Just Homesick

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It’s odd when you move.

You start noticing things that are suddenly missing in your life; weird and rather mundane things that you never even noticed while you were at home. Sounds and smells you never focused on before become part of the home-sickness. You suddenly really miss them and wish they were in your periphery again, the quiet unassuming remnants of home that never ventured into your radar when you were a full time occupant.

Things like the sound of my Dad coughing, I could recognise my Dad just from his cough if I needed, it was a familiar background sound that I heard daily but never focused my attention on.

I miss hearing that cough.

I miss hearing the recognizable footsteps of each family member going up and down the stairs. I could even tell you what mood those footsteps were in, sometimes.

I especially miss my Mum bringing me tea in the morning, that’s laziness talking really, but my bleary eyed and drowsy self misses waking up to the sound of the door creaking open slowly and the smell of a good cup of brew drifting in. She’d sometimes snap ‘wake up!’ at me as she placed the mug on my, I’d like to say bedside table but it was a chair by the bed, but I’d happily take a good snapping with a Tetley by my side.

Although I’ve kinda gone off Tetley now… I think they’ve done something to their recipe… just doesn’t taste the same.

I’m ‘totes’ into Rooibos nowadays.

So urban life, how does it compare to the countryside?

Well it’s dirty, I can feel it on my face and in my lungs, I wash my hair everyday and can’t imagine not scrubbing at my face twice a day now.

But there is transport here. No duh. I can go ‘whereves’ I want! No waiting days for the next train to take me home from a shopping trip. If I miss my last train home I know I could walk there easily enough, mind the stabbing, mugging and potential raping, but I could do it, safety permitting. It’s a very liberating feeling, I’ve not had this kind of freedom since I was at University, which was three years ago… a long time to wait for the ability to walk out my house and go somewhere.

I miss running though, since moving to London I haven’t had the courage to plod the streets and shed the pounds of home-sickness-comfort-eating fat I’ve piled on.  My running route at home was awesome, just over 10K with varying terrains from moors, woods and fields… *goes misty eyed*…

And a damned great big hill!

*thuds back to reality*… maybe I don’t miss that hill too much.

I’ve got roads, roads through estates, roads through parks, roads by canals, roads by the Thames… roads by more roads.

I’m going to have to brave it at some point but I know I was blessed with the best running route imaginable at home.

I miss my cats ignoring me, I don’t care that Millie probably only sat on my lap 3 times in the whole time we’ve had her, but I miss her black fuzzy fatty presence. Her and Diesel both would choose the armrests of our sofas over our thighs, they would stare at us in such an enticing way that each time we would hope against hope and coo at them to sit on us, only to have them jump on us to reach the back of the sofa.

Mind games.

Damned cats.

I miss Millie saying ‘ham’ actually saying ‘ham’, she somehow knew what it was and would always be there to plead me to give it to her while I was making my sandwich.

I’ve recorded her saying it, there is indisputable evidence, so don’t even try to denounce my claim.

I miss how our house functioned, from the creaky floorboards, low ceilings, noisy pipes and freezing cob walls, I was used to dealing with these issues. I knew which part of the landing to avoid in order to be quieter, I knew when to duck my head when I was in the living room, I knew what to do when the hot tap decided to randomly howl and I was ‘used’ to the cold…. as much as I disliked it.

I miss having to press the kitchen door hard against a piece of makeshift Velcro my Dad had stuck between the door and tabletop in order to keep it open rather than barely ajar.

Anyway, enough of the weird things you won’t really get or understand… down to the basics.

It’s the familiarity I miss, the everyday, the ordinary, the usual.

But most of all, I miss my family.

My rocks.

My bolts.

My glue.

Leaving them behind was always going to be tough, so you’ve got a lot to live up to London.

Don’t disappoint.

My Supporters

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Like an audience
they raised
their Luminous faces
Uniform yellows
In various places
On Hedgerows they lined up
Cheering me on
During the gruelling early months
Of spring
I ran
I progressed
Slowly
They were a constant
A crowd
They marked my road
Either side I huffed past
Blooming banks
Blowing Trumpets
They watched
They grew
Just as I was
To a fighter
I was going further
They were turning to yellow
Flashes

Till spring passed

A graveyard of flowers
Now line the streets
I run past
A stronger
Version of my self
But they wither
And I remember the gruelling months
When they would
Stand
A proud not cowardly yellow
A reminder of how
Quick
These seasons can fade
I look back on the
Beginner
When the daff’s were my only
Supporters
They glowed as I struggled
My standing ovation
Gone now.

With only the chaotic cheers of
Summer
To look forward to.
I miss
The regimented hedges
The whisperings of sunshine
The lines of beaming faces
I’m now on my own
An intermediate
With a newfound
self confidence
That can only carry me further.

Cheers now wait at the finish line.
Birds can’t fill the hedgerows
Daisy’s never stay in line
Except when chained
But I’m not that kind of procession
Butterfly’s are intermittent
And so
The relying relay had lost its
Baton
I’m alone.
Till next spring.

I’ll show them daffodils what a
Fighter I am then
And perhaps my ovation
Will be standing once again.

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A Confession at 23:58

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My ability to procrastinate truly does astound me sometimes, I promised a post quite a while ago and I’ve only just found the time, please forgive the delay.

The new year has ushered in a whole host of new problems – unemployment, two unfinished stories, a 10K run I need to train vigorously for and well, unemployment – it’s a major one.

But I don’t want to focus on them in this post, I want to focus on the past, I want to focus on 2013, I want to focus on what I WAS able to do last year. I achieved much and I never gave myself the chance to pat myself on the back.

Do you really need to? Yes, yes I believe I do.

You see, I think it right that everyone should look back on their past year. They should pick out all the events they felt proud of, the moments that made them grow in some way, or just the instances that made them smile. This will armor them for the next year, they can face the new digits with a positive attitude.

And that’s exactly what I want to do, so what was worth cheering about? What did I do that was worthy of note? Let’s list, shall we?

1) I passed my driving test.

And at 24 it really was about time. I got fed up of seeing youths driving around as young as 17 or 18 years old in vehicles of their own while I, a mere pedestrian, had to resort to public services. My own personal taxi service thought so too. And by taxi service I obviously mean my Dad. He wishes I paid him.

2) I Went on holiday to Canada with my Boyfriend.

This was our first proper holiday together, ABROAD! So it meant a great deal that we managed to survive the whole two weeks without any mishaps.

Well… there was one tiny argument… nothing to cause alarm… Well… it was a bit worrying when Bandicoot decided to storm off and abandon me in Toronto… But don’t worry, I found him sulking on a wall a little way ahead of me… he remembered that I had the train tickets back to our apartment.

I also had his sunglasses – it’s good to take hostages, remember that.

But, as always with us, we were laughing within minutes of the incident and we used it as a good excuse to… umm… well I think you get the picture.

I would definitely recommend a trip to Canada, Niagara Falls and the CN tower are wonders worth seeing. (As is the Steamwhistle Brewery!)

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3) I QUIT SAINSBURYS!!! Enough said on that point.

4) I GOT MYSELF AN EDITORIAL INTERNSHIP AND IT ACTUALLY TURNED INTO A PAID POSITION!!! I got to work from home, wear slippers all day and drink tea whenever I wanted! (It was only temporary though… hence… unemployment… but it was GREAT while it lasted.)

5) I discovered I love falafel after an interview which began with a ping pong match. (Yes that really did happen, can you imagine a girl racked with nerves, dressed in a sexy secretary outfit, playing ping pong with her interviewer? That was me. Oh and yes obviously I didn’t get it hence… unemployment… Arrrg, I said I wasn’t going to focus on my present problems! Let’s move on!)

6) I started and maintained a BLOG! For a girl who thought she was all out of ideas this was the one thing that stunned me the most. I can’t believe the amount of work I have written, the amount of inspiration I have found. It’s more than I was able to do at University! I shared two of my short stories on ReadWave and both have hit over 500 views, all the comments I received were so positive, I never expected such a wonderful reaction. It has definitely spurred me on!

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7) I rediscovered my love of Sailor Moon with my beast of a sister, complete with the purchases of series 1 to 4, all the films and a Sailor Jupiter Costume. (My sister is Sporting Serena’s red and blue number in this picture.) This programme from my childhood helped me through some the tougher times of 2013… it was an escape for both my sister and I. The ‘negaverse’ was always defeated thank’s to Sailor Moon and it was amazing how much I could relate to the show and the comfort I found from it.

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8) I started running. OUTSIDE! This was a massive achievement for me because for years I believed this was something I would never be able to do. My self-worth and self-esteem were among the bottom-feeders, I had virtually nothing. This was my Everest. I am not what you call fat or obese, but I certainly wasn’t fit or happy. All the exercise I had ever done before was indoors, to venture outside and RUN was unfathomable until this past year. I’m still what you would call a beginner, but the fact that I am outside at all is a miracle.

And the fact that I managed to do a 10k run in 55mins for an event called ‘The Croome Olympics’ is AMAZING! The chubby girl inside me still can’t believe it. (I also won Golden Lady, my first sporting medal, EVER!)

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YAY ME!

So yeah, this post is basically just a massive pat on the back to myself, everyone needs one occasionally and mine has been long overdue. It’s about time we all looked at ourselves in a more positive light and I invite you all to give this particular exercise a go, it’s a great ego boost!

(Although, I’m pretty sure this will only sustain mine for a couple of days, the negative thoughts will, inevitably, creep back. I can’t change myself overnight, as much as I’d like to.)

I am looking forward to 2014!!!