The best Cream Tea’s I’ve tasted so far…

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There is nothing I love more than to go for a walk around a beautiful National Trust property and afterwards share a Cream Tea with my lovely boyfriend… the best part being is that he usually pays! ;D nah I joke, the best part is definitely when I have my first bite of a delicious scone smothered in cream and jam! Haha!

I have a very high opinion of how I believe a scone should taste and how it should be served. I have had some dreadful scones in my time – some that have tasted of soap or have been so crumbly that before it’s even reached my lips it has fallen back down to my plate in a million pieces splattering cream and jam everywhere. The worst thing is when you drive all the way to a property and find that the restaurant is only selling scones with sultanas in them. No plain ones… my heart sinks to my stomach and comforts it because it knows the poor thing will remain unsatisfied.

There are many factors I consider when eating a proper cream tea and I believe I judge fairly when I do so.

So here they are! These are the questions I usually consider whilst I scoff away like a beast in front of my beloved –

How big is the scone? Big Bodacious Buns please!

How does the Scone taste? Score from 1-10 (One being – WHY THE HELL DID I PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH?! DDDDD: and 10 being – ORGASMIC!!! : DDDDD)

How much Jam and Cream do you get? Better be enough to spread on all my halves… (yeah I cut them in half and eat it that way.. my mouth isn’t big enough to consume it whole!!)

Are they even proportions? My boyfriend prefers more jam than cream and I am the opposite so if there is an even amount of both we like to share… nawww… if you saw us pillaging away at the sauces you really wouldn’t think it’s that sweet… more like a feeding frenzy.

How many cups of tea do you get out of the tea pot? Less isn’t more.

And if you do not get a teapot how big is the cup? Again, less isn’t more.

Is the Jam and Cream cool? preferably cool.

Do you get a choice in Jam? I love raspberry, not traditional I know but I would rather have that to strawberry.

Is the Cream proper clotted or whipped? FYI whipped is gross but some may disagree.

Is the Scone warm? Love it when the cream melts a bit. Drool!

Do they have Plain and Fruit scones? If they only have fruit ones they are void. Gross. Immoral. EVIL. I leave the place immediately. Yeah, I only like plain Scones… Was that not obvious before?!

Do you get one or two scones? LESS ISN’T MORE!!

Free tea refills? DEFINITELY A BONUS!

Think I have covered all the crucial areas… So far the best places I’ve been to for a decent scone is Killerton House in Exeter and the Royal Pavillion in Brighton – huge pots of cream and jam, perfect fluffy fat scones and a generous pot of tea. So if you have ever been to those places and have tasted their scones please let me know if you agree or (hopefully not) disagree!

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What’s with all this Wonderlanding?

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Why does everyone keeping going on about this blasted wonderland?

What is it with clocks and cards, mirrors and roses, cakes that say eat me and drink’s that say drink me that drive people wild? What do these inanimate objects do to stir the curious imaginations of the young and old? It’s all people seem to talk about when they want to sound abnormally original or uniquely individual – but it doesn’t really, does it?

Let’s put it this way – Good old Lewis Carrol got a bit high, stared at a few ordinary objects and then, suddenly, they were extraordinary. Things of the everyday were suddenly walking around with little legs or had begun to spout nonsensical rhymes; they were magical and frightening. Give an object or an animal a bit of a human spark and you’ve got something. It’s as simple as that – personify them, incarnate them with a characteristic, clothes or a body part and suddenly they have become fantastical. Dear Lewis even played with his food; making what would usually satisfy hunger make us grow or shrink.  It’s the trick of perception.

It just makes me wonder, did he need to get high to discover this? Or did he know this already and just used the drugs to help the idea along?

Baffling.

I used to think that wonderland was the ultimate benchmark for creativity. This outrageous and bewildering world was unlike anything that had come before. It was something we writers should aspire to be – original. But now, I believe it just haunts us, it is now something by which people are measured. I doubt you could now create a magical and strange world without someone commenting on it thus – ‘Wow that is SO Alice in Wonderlandesque!’

Gee thanks.

When I began writing seriously at University I had dwelled on this idea. That nowadays nothing is really original, it’s all so recycled or reinvented and it made me insecure about my own work. I was terrified of drugs, so I knew I couldn’t get the kind of help Mr Carrol received. I had to somehow write with my sober imagination; scary stuff. I wanted to be the kind of writer that wrote unusual and eccentric things, but I mean it’s not something you can learn… I believe I lean towards the idea that Mr Carrols idea’s and perceptions were exacerbated by the drugs – that they were already there, only, muted.

I wondered what I would be like exacerbated. Imagine myself intensified…

LIGHT BULB!

That’s when I realised that I actually do have a knack for something. I believe I am an excellent reader and not just of books, but of people. I took inspiration from my friends and of our ‘in’ jokes and cranked up the volume.

I take the best and the worst qualities of my friends and exaggerate them – I turn them into crazy versions of themselves. I really do believe the ‘in’ joke is now the real meaning of original – usually it just excludes people who are not relevant to the specific group because it is that personal. BUT my intention as a writer is to utilise these ‘jokes’ and make them accessible to all – I hope at least. I therefore shall indulge the readers of this blog with some of my favourite character profiles and I hope that I am successful in making you not feel isolated. So look out for my examples and enjoy!

So I know I owe a lot to Lewis for helping me realise my writing style. If I could I would genuinely thank him for exposing my insecurities to scrutiny but I will always wonder whether he truly needed the aid of drugs. I wish I could know how he would’ve been like without them.

What do you think he would’ve been like?

The Technophobe in Me

I used to believe IPod’s were the epitome of evil.

I had been brought up on tapes and CD’s and this strange new invention was an abomination. This hatred was borne from watching films like AI and I Robot which portrayed robots taking over the world, I didn’t like that. Nor did I like the fact that they had given them human faces; far too creepy. This irrational fear developed and my hatred for modern technology got so bad that I had retreated further into the past when I was a teen. I listened only to Dean Martin and always insisted on watching John Wayne from my mother’s hefty collection. This is really what my teenage years were really about – pining after an age of chivalry, westerns and of men wearing suits ALL THE TIME. It’s no wonder I found it hard to relate to my fellow peers who were only into the pop princesses; Christina Augilera and Britney.

That is until I got an IPod for Christmas.

Then everything changed and now I have finally embraced the modern age of convenience.

You mean I can listen to all my favourite songs without all the hassle of carrying my collection of cds?!…

WHAT ELSE HAVE I BEEN MISSING OUT ON?!

So yes really my darling IPod pulled my head out of the gramophone and pushed me into the present where I could finally understand my friends’ lingo. Like what on earth this book was that everyone had their face on? Or this Bluetooth that could somehow make us connected. Do I need to go to the dentist for that?

God what an idiot I was.

I tell you one thing the modern age sure does keep modern, doesn’t it? I hardly have time to get the hang of one new gadget before a newer and better version is thrust in my face. I can’t imagine how the elderly are coping because even in my twenties I still am struggling. I mean what’s wrong with turning it down a notch?

I still don’t get the point of twitter…

And another thing that has me baffled is that vintage is in… isn’t it?! Why can’t they build the old fashioned Mini’s and MG’s only with modern engineering? Rather than making new cars that have the same name but don’t really resemble them at all? Those classic cars really have charisma and style so why not emulate that? We have the ability no? Fashion is getting the hint and going back on the tried and true – Thank you so so so much whichever fashion designer it was that brought back…

HIGH WAISTED SHORTS AND JEANS!!!

I really hated the past decade of muffin tops and unnecessary thong exposure with those hipsters. It was a disastrous idea whoever thought of that –it’s your entire fault for all of the disgusting things I have now seen.

I hope one day they do get the hint and make more ‘vintage technology’. Then those who are stuck down nostalgia lane will still have an outlet where they can get what they know and love but with the reassurance of what new technology brings – that it can be fixed or replaced quickly and without too much fuss.

I’m not really sure where I would take my ‘centre piece’ typewriter if it broke… PC world would certainly not be able to help me… so fingers crossed someone will hear my plea because I’m not sure how I will cope if it dies.

My laptop can only console me so much.

You hearing me you scientists out there?

A Confession at 13:50

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I had planned on doing what people usually do when they create a blog; to say hi in an excited manor, to begin with a brief description as to why I had decided to start this blog and to apologise in advance if it descends into ramblings of nothing in particular, but, instead I am going to begin with a confession.

My Name is not Alexandra Neon. I am beginning my writing career in the most cowardly way possible – under a pseudonym. I believe my identity is rather precious and in a world where there are trolls who plunder the internet and where faceless people who steal identities run rampant I find it instinctive to protect my ‘self’.

So yes I am a cowardly writer, I am going to hide behind my alter ego and spout my opinions and musings without fear of reproach. I am not out to hurt or insult anyone just to give (hopefully) a comical viewpoint on things I do not understand. Personally I would love to have people help me understand the things I am ignorant of – I am afterall just an ordinary person with just as many misinformed ideas as the next. So if injury or insult is caused from my ramblings please let me know! Constructive criticism is always welcome!

So yes anyway, for now I am Alexandra Neon; a girl with a block fringe and a slightly bent nose who just wants to see how this writing malarky goes in the real world with an actual audience. With a tentative finger I shall now press the finish button.